Alright, I have had this stuff on my heart for quite some time, and I have been wanting to share it with you. Right now, I am supposed to be studying for a tough test, but instead, I choose to write to you.
About two weeks ago, Will and I crossed the line. We REALLY crossed the line. We have been working really hard on not laying down while making out, dry humping, and other things that would have constituted crossing the line. HOWEVER, my fingers found themselves dancing along his waist band of his jeans. (Mistake number 1) I could tell the emotion in his face on how that pleased him, and he wanted more. So, my fingers started tracing further down his pants. (Mistake number 2) Now, let me clarify, they never touched his penis under his pants, but I could tell he really wanted me to touch him, so I did it. I have never done this before, and it started freaking me out. I mean, I had felt him before as we had dry humped before, but my hand never felt his penis until that night. I could tell the sheer excitement on his face. I wanted to please him, but I wasn't pleasing him in the way I should have been as a woman of Christ. (Mistake number 3) His hand found its way between my legs and he started rubbing. (Mistake number 4) I begged him to move to my bedroom, and so we did. (Mistake number 5) We laid down (Mistake number 6), we made out (Mistake number 7) we continued rubbing each other in-between the legs (mistake number 8), and we dry humped (mistake number 9). My heart raced, my head spun, and I hyperventilated. We stopped immediately. I shut down and wouldn't talk to him, then I cried, and didn't stop for an hour or so. I think that is where God stepped in and was like "Hope, I know you don't want to do this, but you are, and you can't seem to find your way out, so let me pull you out of this now."
Since then, Will and I have not made out. We have kept our kisses to simple kisses. Now, this is killing him. He hates it. He tries suggesting other things such as "not making out while laying down" "not making out and touching each other--anywhere at the same time." But girls, this isn't going to work. We know what it feels like to turn each other on. We love pleasing each other, and obviously we are physically compatible together. So what to do? We know we want to one day get married, but that's not for at least a year and a half, and that is a long time to keep it at just kissing. How do we get intimate? For me, it is easier, because as girls, we are emotional creatures, so we connect intimately emotionally, but for guys, it is physically.
Will brought it up again tonight, and I don't have an answer for him. We both understand each other's views. He does understand though that he will not push me into it--he says that that is a huge guilt he would have to live with, and I am too important to him for that. So that is hope right there.
Girls, I don't have an answer for you right now. I don't have an answer for Will and me right now. But we are working through it together. That is my advice to you tonight. Work through it together. Keep praying. You may have crossed the line to this extent, less, or more. The "depth" isn't really important as it all is a sin. What is important though is that God will pull you out, and He will give you hope, He will remind you that all He wants for you is the best. He loves his daughter(s), and He is going to give you hope that this can change, but let God be your pilot instead of your co-pilot.
I'm praying for YOU!
Your sister in Christ,
Hope
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