Sex Ed. vs. Sunday School: A lesson in Love.

SEX. Seriously, I am not obsessed with it. But it’s hard to ignore and it’s awkward to talk about when you’re a Christian girl with Christian morals who grew up referring to it as “S. E. X-marks-the-spot” and you were raised in a strong Christian family and you dreamed of marrying a virgin Christian man and wouldn’t have to worry about sex until your honeymoon night!

It doesn’t help that when you and your Christian girlfriends get together, it surfaces in whispered conversations while you watch chick-flicks or action films and drool over the Hollywood sex icons. It is hard to ignore it when sex is everywhere, in practically every movie and TV show and pop song and so many women tell themselves that sex=love.

More than any of the above influences, Satan has often gained a foothold in my heart as he constantly dangles sexual temptations in my peripheral thoughts. And when things get a bit steamy when I’m alone with my boyfriend, I confess that it is very tempting not to wait until marriage. I’m not saying that my heart is OK with having pre-marital sex; I’m admitting that it is unbelievable how alive my boyfriend makes my body feel. Until now, I have never known this physical love before but I want it to be ours to share in the God-ordained context of marriage—and I am secretly very excited.

However, the most difficult relationship reality my heart has had to overcome is not the sexual tug-of-war between purity and temptation; it is forgiveness.

For example, when my boyfriend and I were newly friends and the definition of our relationship was on the fence, I didn’t ask if he was a virgin—something I thought would be the deciding factor in choosing a spouse. When the moment hit me that I had feelings for him in return and that I might actually say “yes” to dating him, I still didn’t ask. Even when I agreed to date him, I didn’t ask. Finally, when I voiced the question, I had naively taken the answer for granted. My heart wasn’t ready for his honest response: he wasn’t a virgin.

As a Christian girl who believed she had found the one her heart belonged to and who had assumed sex would be new and wonderful for both of them on their wedding night, and who had never planned on dating someone who hadn’t been equally convicted to wait—my heart felt bruised by this blow. He confessed that he had had sex with an (ex)girlfriend. Actually, two (ex)girlfriends. It had happened two years before I met him—and he thought he loved them, but he was wrong. He was genuinely repentant. Yet, since finding me and loving me for the beauty of my heart he felt even more like a beast.

As the sting of reality burned into our hearts, I felt betrayed. On our wedding night, I would be his “third”. Looking back, I can’t comprehend the fresh stab of remorse he must have felt in that moment, waiting for my reaction, realizing his failure to promise me his whole self.

But I accepted him as broken and I forgave him against my feminine nature’s jealousy. In that darkness, I realized that if God loves my boyfriend so unconditionally that He willingly forgives his sins and remembers them no more, then it was essential that I be willing to do the same if I were to truly love this man.

Although I still experience moments when Satan reminds me that my boyfriend did not faithfully wait for me—moments when he mocks me and calls me “third”—I have replaced that ugly truth with a new promise in my heart: Yes, my boyfriend has had sex before, but I will be the first woman with whom he has ever made love.

Through this relationship with my boyfriend, God has revealed to me a deeper, purer comprehension of “love”. It is not the kind of love that is defined by abstinence or realized by having sex; not the kind of love that is described as “being happy with someone” or “physically attracted to someone”. It is agape. Unconditional. “In-God’s-image” love. The “I-forgive-you-no-matter-what” love. The “key-ingredient-to-make-marriages-last” love. The most difficult and most beautiful form of love. The love I desire to demonstrate to my future spouse through forgiveness that is irrevocable and faithfulness that is immovable—the love that says: “Beloved, I do not see you through the eyes of the world. Look into my heart. I see you through the reflection of God’s eyes—pure and whole.”

Prayerfully,

Grace

Notes on love. (NOT a Valentine's post)

Hello ladies!

Well, I have wonderful news to share with you all!  I'm engaged!  Yay!  However, with engagement, a whole new set of problems have come about!  My wonderful, loving, and all together frustrating fiancé and I have over a year until the "big day", but we have fought more in the time we have been engaged than in the entire time we have been dating.

We have fought about the guest list and the reception and many other things.  We have decided to just ignore those things somewhat until we really need to discuss them.  And of course, the physical issue has not gone away!

I do fine not being physical until he initiates it.  Really ladies, I am not all about being physical.  You may be thinking "What?!  But she writes about this all the time."  Well sure, I enjoy it as much as the next lady, but it is my fiancé who must first get me into the mood.  Sure, there are times that I feel like being physical, and that usually happens when I am PMSing.  I know, that is also incredibly odd, because you would think that would be the time I don't want to be touched the most.  However, he makes me feel sexy when his hands run over my curves, and he wants to touch me when I feel gross.

So, keeping those things in mind, we have failed, again.  I am not bragging about these failures, I am just frustrated that we keep failing.  We have less time in our engagement than we do in the entire time we have been together so far.  That's not exactly uplifting or inspiring.  How are we ever going to serve God, and walk together in our faith if we aren't doing it now?

Well, now let's take a pause, and let me tell you about some things I learned last night at Christian Challenge.
1. You should go into dating with the mind of marriage.  Like the little kids song, "First comes love, then comes marriage."  There is no "casual dating."  We need to go into dating with the idea that we are going to get married, and if we aren't prepared for that, then why are we dating?

The following is Biblical proof for wives.
1. "Wives, submit to your husbands" Ephesians 5:22, Col. 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1.  What this means is a wife should encourage, support, pray, give wise counsel, and then let husbands take control of the course of the marriage.
2. "A wife must not separate" 1 Corinthians 7:11 This means, when you become a wife, you become a wife forever.  The Bible does give instances when it is okay to divorce, but these are extreme cases!  You don't separate when you get married.  You endure the good, the terrible, and everything in-between.
3. "A wife's body does not belong to her alone" 1 Corinthians 7:3 This means a wife shares everything with her husband.  She doesn't hold anything back!
4. "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment but from your inner self" 1 Peter 3:1-3  This means that ladies, it's not about looks, it's about character.  If you are out wanting to gain a guy because of your looks, or if you are choosing a guy because of his looks, try again.  What's going to happen when you are 70 years old, guarantee you won't be as drop dead gorgeous/handsome as you were 50 years prior.

Now for men:
1. "Love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" Ephesians 5:25.  Which means a man should be ready to give life to the family, time, money, and love for the family.
2. "A husband must not divorce" 1 Corinthians 7:11 which means a husband is forever.
3. "The husband's body does not to him alone but also to his wife." 1 Corinthians 7:4  This translates into meaning that a husband should share all of his life with his wife.
4. "Husbands. . .be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect" 1 Peter 3:7  This means that a man should treat his wife with the HIGHEST consideration and respect.

Now ladies, if a man is not ready to do this, then he isn't the right one.

Here are further questions to consider.
For women:
1. Do you encourage or tear down?
2. Are you growing in character?
3. Are you wise?
4. Can you stand on your own two feet?
5. Are you growing in how you pray for others?

For men:
1. Are you a spiritual leader of others?
2. Are you hard working?
3. Do you take responsibility for yourself?
4. Do you commit your time to selfish pursuits?
5. What do you spend your money on?  (Not just on the wife, but on things to better your both)
6. Are you able to give care and affection to others first?
7. Do you show/give respect?

So, last night, as I was sitting there, I was thinking, wow, there sure are a lot of things my fiancé doesn't fit into. Now I've committed to marrying him, but he's not at the right spot.  And we've been arguing about this a lot lately too, how I am kind of tired of carrying his spiritually, I need him to be spiritually a leader or working harder on it.I asked him last week why he wasn't ready to commit everything to God, and he hasn't responded.  I mean, I really want to know what's holding him back!

As I mentioned, last night we were fighting.  He left me a message on my phone, and said in a very sad tone. . . "I'm really sorry I create about 90 percent of the tension we have, and I'm sorry as far as the boundary problems go, it's mostly my fault, because I sort of  haven't held my own.  It's been spoiling our relationship.  I'm really sorry.  At challenge tonight, it's I have to take the responsibility, and I haven't been doing that yet I have to take the responsibility, I'm really sorry."

So, all of this is great, because then he was listening at Challenge, but he has to actually show me he was listening now.  So, this is possibly a "yay God" moment, but. . .I need to see it.  Sorry only lasts so long.  I can't go off of words alone anymore, I need him to show it to me.

Anyway girls, really take heed of what was taught, and apply it to your lives.  Your dating, your single, your whatever.  Because God wants the very best for you, so why not hold out for the very best?

Much love,
Hope