What is Wrong with Me?!

Dear Hope;

I don't know what's going on, but this week has been rough! Work is fine, family is fine, boyfriend is fine, but I have been stuggling with some invisible demon :P

Luckily, it's not temptation this time. My boyfriend and I haven't done anything sexual for weeks. But something in my attitude went haywire last night while we were hanging out and my mood turned sour. This has happened before, but usually my boyfriend gets me to talk about it and I work out the kinks (with the help of tissues and encouraging words); but why do these (unpredictable) meltdowns and shutdowns keep occuring?

I can't blame hormones or my period this time. Is it because the weather is changing that throws my mood off? I dislike getting stuck in a funk, and I don’t know how to deal with myself when I get that way!

While my boyfriend was over last night, my emotions did a180 and I fell into state of despondancy. When he tried to help, it actually annoyed me.What is going on?! Perhaps it's because I'm not feeling like my job or my life is fulfilling? Maybe I'm missing my old familiar college routine or that I'm missing being involved and part of more than just work and church?

I've wondered in the back of my mind if it is something psychological--since episodes of this have been occuring since I started dating. Am I becoming a bit bipolar or depressed?
My boyfriend, bless his heart, keeps trying to tell me everything will be OK, but I don't feel like that is going to solve any of my problems. He even prayed with me, but I felt like those were just his words, not mine.

I feel terrible though. He's been struggling with SO much these past few months and here he is, wiping up my tears as I sit on my bed and have a bitchy breakdown. (Wow, can't believe I used that word, but that's how I felt I was acting toward him).

I think I need to take today to myself and do some reflecting and mediating with God. He and I have a lot of “me” work to do.

Thanks for reading my rant, you are such a faithful friend!

Grace

Dear Grace;

Good morning beautiful!

First I am going to say congrats to you and your boyfriend for not doing anything sexual for two weeks! How amazing! Also, it's okay that you were annoyed with him when he tried to help. Sometimes when I am a mess, Will tells me "I am not leaving you in this state, I need to know you are okay" and well, as nice as that is, sometimes, I just want him to go away so I WOULD feel better!

It very well could be the weather changing--it's been proven that that has a great effect on our nature and what and how we do things, and even who we are. It also could be because you are used to being so involved with classes, clubs, friends, etc. that you are in a funk because this is a huge change for you.

It is interesting to me though that this has been happening since you started dating. We change when we start dating someone--you've become a lot more open with him and more emotional--as my boss says “feel your feelings”. I've often wondered if I am becoming bipolar because I can be perfectly fine with Will one moment, and the next, completely different. But I think that it is because we, with our guys, feel a broad spectrum of emotions--happy, sad, angry, loving, and everything in-between in a matter of minutes (We're like Kansas--don't like our mood, stick around 5 minutes, it'll change).

As far as praying, there are many times that they feel like just words, however, God is still hearing them. They may not mean of feel anything to you at that moment, but God is still hearing them, and knows how to respond to the prayer for YOU.

 

Also, you are in kind of limbo right now. You are a real adult--with a real job, but still living at home. You have a real boyfriend who you will marry at some point, but he has a lot going on and so it is uncertain about when you two will become one. You're half-and-half right now, and not sure when the rest of the "jump" will take place.

I don't know if any of my words make sense, help, or are just words. BUT above all, I am always here to listen, and I am always here to offer up prayers.

I love you (in a great friend way ;-) )

Hope