Sex Ed. vs. Sunday School: A lesson in Love.

SEX. Seriously, I am not obsessed with it. But it’s hard to ignore and it’s awkward to talk about when you’re a Christian girl with Christian morals who grew up referring to it as “S. E. X-marks-the-spot” and you were raised in a strong Christian family and you dreamed of marrying a virgin Christian man and wouldn’t have to worry about sex until your honeymoon night!

It doesn’t help that when you and your Christian girlfriends get together, it surfaces in whispered conversations while you watch chick-flicks or action films and drool over the Hollywood sex icons. It is hard to ignore it when sex is everywhere, in practically every movie and TV show and pop song and so many women tell themselves that sex=love.

More than any of the above influences, Satan has often gained a foothold in my heart as he constantly dangles sexual temptations in my peripheral thoughts. And when things get a bit steamy when I’m alone with my boyfriend, I confess that it is very tempting not to wait until marriage. I’m not saying that my heart is OK with having pre-marital sex; I’m admitting that it is unbelievable how alive my boyfriend makes my body feel. Until now, I have never known this physical love before but I want it to be ours to share in the God-ordained context of marriage—and I am secretly very excited.

However, the most difficult relationship reality my heart has had to overcome is not the sexual tug-of-war between purity and temptation; it is forgiveness.

For example, when my boyfriend and I were newly friends and the definition of our relationship was on the fence, I didn’t ask if he was a virgin—something I thought would be the deciding factor in choosing a spouse. When the moment hit me that I had feelings for him in return and that I might actually say “yes” to dating him, I still didn’t ask. Even when I agreed to date him, I didn’t ask. Finally, when I voiced the question, I had naively taken the answer for granted. My heart wasn’t ready for his honest response: he wasn’t a virgin.

As a Christian girl who believed she had found the one her heart belonged to and who had assumed sex would be new and wonderful for both of them on their wedding night, and who had never planned on dating someone who hadn’t been equally convicted to wait—my heart felt bruised by this blow. He confessed that he had had sex with an (ex)girlfriend. Actually, two (ex)girlfriends. It had happened two years before I met him—and he thought he loved them, but he was wrong. He was genuinely repentant. Yet, since finding me and loving me for the beauty of my heart he felt even more like a beast.

As the sting of reality burned into our hearts, I felt betrayed. On our wedding night, I would be his “third”. Looking back, I can’t comprehend the fresh stab of remorse he must have felt in that moment, waiting for my reaction, realizing his failure to promise me his whole self.

But I accepted him as broken and I forgave him against my feminine nature’s jealousy. In that darkness, I realized that if God loves my boyfriend so unconditionally that He willingly forgives his sins and remembers them no more, then it was essential that I be willing to do the same if I were to truly love this man.

Although I still experience moments when Satan reminds me that my boyfriend did not faithfully wait for me—moments when he mocks me and calls me “third”—I have replaced that ugly truth with a new promise in my heart: Yes, my boyfriend has had sex before, but I will be the first woman with whom he has ever made love.

Through this relationship with my boyfriend, God has revealed to me a deeper, purer comprehension of “love”. It is not the kind of love that is defined by abstinence or realized by having sex; not the kind of love that is described as “being happy with someone” or “physically attracted to someone”. It is agape. Unconditional. “In-God’s-image” love. The “I-forgive-you-no-matter-what” love. The “key-ingredient-to-make-marriages-last” love. The most difficult and most beautiful form of love. The love I desire to demonstrate to my future spouse through forgiveness that is irrevocable and faithfulness that is immovable—the love that says: “Beloved, I do not see you through the eyes of the world. Look into my heart. I see you through the reflection of God’s eyes—pure and whole.”

Prayerfully,

Grace

Notes on love. (NOT a Valentine's post)

Hello ladies!

Well, I have wonderful news to share with you all!  I'm engaged!  Yay!  However, with engagement, a whole new set of problems have come about!  My wonderful, loving, and all together frustrating fiancé and I have over a year until the "big day", but we have fought more in the time we have been engaged than in the entire time we have been dating.

We have fought about the guest list and the reception and many other things.  We have decided to just ignore those things somewhat until we really need to discuss them.  And of course, the physical issue has not gone away!

I do fine not being physical until he initiates it.  Really ladies, I am not all about being physical.  You may be thinking "What?!  But she writes about this all the time."  Well sure, I enjoy it as much as the next lady, but it is my fiancé who must first get me into the mood.  Sure, there are times that I feel like being physical, and that usually happens when I am PMSing.  I know, that is also incredibly odd, because you would think that would be the time I don't want to be touched the most.  However, he makes me feel sexy when his hands run over my curves, and he wants to touch me when I feel gross.

So, keeping those things in mind, we have failed, again.  I am not bragging about these failures, I am just frustrated that we keep failing.  We have less time in our engagement than we do in the entire time we have been together so far.  That's not exactly uplifting or inspiring.  How are we ever going to serve God, and walk together in our faith if we aren't doing it now?

Well, now let's take a pause, and let me tell you about some things I learned last night at Christian Challenge.
1. You should go into dating with the mind of marriage.  Like the little kids song, "First comes love, then comes marriage."  There is no "casual dating."  We need to go into dating with the idea that we are going to get married, and if we aren't prepared for that, then why are we dating?

The following is Biblical proof for wives.
1. "Wives, submit to your husbands" Ephesians 5:22, Col. 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1.  What this means is a wife should encourage, support, pray, give wise counsel, and then let husbands take control of the course of the marriage.
2. "A wife must not separate" 1 Corinthians 7:11 This means, when you become a wife, you become a wife forever.  The Bible does give instances when it is okay to divorce, but these are extreme cases!  You don't separate when you get married.  You endure the good, the terrible, and everything in-between.
3. "A wife's body does not belong to her alone" 1 Corinthians 7:3 This means a wife shares everything with her husband.  She doesn't hold anything back!
4. "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment but from your inner self" 1 Peter 3:1-3  This means that ladies, it's not about looks, it's about character.  If you are out wanting to gain a guy because of your looks, or if you are choosing a guy because of his looks, try again.  What's going to happen when you are 70 years old, guarantee you won't be as drop dead gorgeous/handsome as you were 50 years prior.

Now for men:
1. "Love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" Ephesians 5:25.  Which means a man should be ready to give life to the family, time, money, and love for the family.
2. "A husband must not divorce" 1 Corinthians 7:11 which means a husband is forever.
3. "The husband's body does not to him alone but also to his wife." 1 Corinthians 7:4  This translates into meaning that a husband should share all of his life with his wife.
4. "Husbands. . .be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect" 1 Peter 3:7  This means that a man should treat his wife with the HIGHEST consideration and respect.

Now ladies, if a man is not ready to do this, then he isn't the right one.

Here are further questions to consider.
For women:
1. Do you encourage or tear down?
2. Are you growing in character?
3. Are you wise?
4. Can you stand on your own two feet?
5. Are you growing in how you pray for others?

For men:
1. Are you a spiritual leader of others?
2. Are you hard working?
3. Do you take responsibility for yourself?
4. Do you commit your time to selfish pursuits?
5. What do you spend your money on?  (Not just on the wife, but on things to better your both)
6. Are you able to give care and affection to others first?
7. Do you show/give respect?

So, last night, as I was sitting there, I was thinking, wow, there sure are a lot of things my fiancé doesn't fit into. Now I've committed to marrying him, but he's not at the right spot.  And we've been arguing about this a lot lately too, how I am kind of tired of carrying his spiritually, I need him to be spiritually a leader or working harder on it.I asked him last week why he wasn't ready to commit everything to God, and he hasn't responded.  I mean, I really want to know what's holding him back!

As I mentioned, last night we were fighting.  He left me a message on my phone, and said in a very sad tone. . . "I'm really sorry I create about 90 percent of the tension we have, and I'm sorry as far as the boundary problems go, it's mostly my fault, because I sort of  haven't held my own.  It's been spoiling our relationship.  I'm really sorry.  At challenge tonight, it's I have to take the responsibility, and I haven't been doing that yet I have to take the responsibility, I'm really sorry."

So, all of this is great, because then he was listening at Challenge, but he has to actually show me he was listening now.  So, this is possibly a "yay God" moment, but. . .I need to see it.  Sorry only lasts so long.  I can't go off of words alone anymore, I need him to show it to me.

Anyway girls, really take heed of what was taught, and apply it to your lives.  Your dating, your single, your whatever.  Because God wants the very best for you, so why not hold out for the very best?

Much love,
Hope

Clean Slate

Hey ladies!

I am warning you in advance, this might get a little long, however, it is worth reading, because I have a feeling at some point or another in your relationship you may encounter the following situation.

There is this ex of mine.  We only dated for 7 months, but we were best friends, and practically dated for three years (just not officially).  So, when a few years ago, things ended, that lasted for a while, but we found our way back into each other's lives.  My feelings for him never stopped.  I continued to love him, and was convinced I was going to marry him.  We had talked about it, and we had talked about future plans--what we would do, where we would travel--all of this would be realistic, not just young love dreams.  He was my best friend--we had been through tough times in our separate lives, but we made it through those times together.  Here is the thing though, he lived a 13 hour drive away from me, so anytime that we would see each other (and it would be a week here, a week there), it was blissful, because we had all that time to love each other, but not enough time to have a real relationship with each other.  What I mean here is that we would be in the honeymoon phase when we were with each other, because we didn't live a day-to-day life in our relationship.  Sure, we called each other daily, and talked for hours on end without any weird pauses, however, we weren't getting to know each other's quirks, and each other's habits, and annoyances--we didn't REALLY know each other in terms of a dating relationship.

Then the breakup hit.  Of course it was devastating, what breakup isn't?  (Okay, unless you are the one doing the breakup, and you really don't have much of a heart at all).  I was a pile of tears and depression.  But again, that's normal when you've been with someone so long, and not only are you losing your boyfriend, you are also losing your best friend in one swoop!

We talked off and on, we discovered we still loved each other (but he broke promises of coming to see me, etc.)  Then he went to study abroad for a semester.  We didn't talk too much, but we talked.  Oh yea, and over a period of time, there were many facebook messages exchanged about how we still loved each other, but he didn't think it was right, etc.  And in that time, I started dating Will (see where this is going now?)

Will and I had/have a wonderful, blissful, relationship--one that is real, and is day-to-day.  I mean, he lives three houses from me, how could it not?  We've had fights, and arguments, and near breakups.  But we have also had amazing times together, and talk about our future, and I couldn't be happier.

But then the ex and I started flirting.  (Yes, I realize that is not only cheating, but also adultery).  It started with simple things, but then he told me about a dream he had about me, and we were talking about the weather, and cuddling, and things just escalated.  Next thing I knew, my feelings were full fledged, straight-ahead confusion because I was in love with TWO men now.  I asked the ex if he prayed about it, and he said yes, and that God was leading him to me.  Will says the same thing!  Hello, who am I to question God?  So, what do I do, I tell Will that my feelings for my ex have not gone away, and I am confused.  Well, of course this hurt Will, but how could I not be straightforward with my boyfriend--the one who I love so much.  Every girl loves to be loved, and being loved by two guys--well man, that is luck!

So, I prayed about it, and asked for guidance from friends and family. They all reassured me things I already knew, but it was helpful to hear it again.  Honestly, at that point though, I could have seen myself easily dating AND marrying both guys.  Either one I chose, God would have made the best out of it.  (I kept asking myself which one God wanted me to choose, but then that whole "free will" thing came into play. . .)

It hurt to look at Will.  I knew I had not only hurt him terribly, but I had hurt our relationship.  He should have been disgusted with me, and said "I'm through".  But instead, he said "HOPE, I FORGIVE YOU" Alright, seriously, how more perfect could this man be?  He took God's loving advice, and forgave me just like my Heavenly Father forgave me.  He is not going to dwell on it, but rather accept it as in the past, and move forward.  Now, I am not so sure I could have done that.  I would have wanted to take all that pain and hurt and continue to let him know it.  But he knew I was hurting bad enough, and so why did he need to continue hurting me?  No, he forgave me, just like God forgives us each and every time we screw up.  Yeah, I took notes from Will that night, and realized our relationship was going to make it, our relationship was the one worth fighting for, our relationship, though not exactly where I want it in Christ's terms, is heading straight for that path.  And something else he said that made me know he was the one worth it was "Hope, I have never fought this hard for a girl before.  Whenever a girl has wanted to break up, I said okay, and was done with it.  But I fight so hard for you, because I can't imagine a day in my life without you.  Even when times are rough, the good outweighs the bad."  To have someone fight for you that hard, why not show them that you love them that same amount, and fight that hard back for them?  When I was off flirting with my ex, I was hurting me, Will, God, and our relationship.  I was taking Will for granted--what kind of person does that? Will is  letting Christ shine through him.  I think we all could all take a lesson from that.  We may think we have it together, we may think we are letting Christ shine through us, but honestly, let's take a reality check in the mirror, and beg Abba to clean our dirty heart out, forgive us, and fill it up with His grace, mercy, and forgiveness.


So girls, whatever you may be struggling with now, God forgives you.  God is your best friend, and He will forgive you, and whatever it is that you are dealing with, if you confess it to the person it is hurting, and that person lets God shine through them, then they will forgive you too--clean slate.


Love,
Hope   

Present Patience

Dear sisters in Christ;

It occurred to me the other day--as my mind was being serenaded by all the holiday commercialism and Christmas things--that my sexuality is a lot like a present. (Oh no. Here she goes again with a metaphor of something relating to physical temptation...) Yep!

It's no secret that my boyfriend and I have been struggling ever since the beginning of our relationship with that tempting little gift called SEX. As a Christian, I know I want to save myself for my husband, so I have to be diligent in keeping myself pure before marriage. So, in the spirit of the season, I have an illustration on this very subject to share with you!

Your sexuality is a gift. With me so far?
God, the Father, has meticulously fashioned your body with His loving hands--intending for it to be given to one special man on your wedding day (but for this illustration, we'll say "Christmas"). Your sexuality--your intimacy--is richly wrapped  in brilliant colors with a beautiful, silky bow on top. The Father has placed it under the tree where your precious gift will wait until that special day when you will give it to the one you love. (Aw, how romanticly cute).

However.
While you are waiting for your present to be opened, you become curious. Perhaps one night you and your boyfriend sneak over to the tree and begin to peek under the paper or shake the present. Maybe you even go so far as to unwrap part of it to see what's inside?
While you (and your bf) are enjoying the rush of excitement from handling the promised present, the Father is watching you silently and is feeling disappointed that you have chosen to mistreat his gift. But, every time, he FORGIVES you and he FORGETS your sin.
The good news is: your naughtiness is forgiven! The bad news is: the memory of what that present felt like and looked like underneath the wrapping still remains in YOUR mind--subtracting from the experience of the initial surprise.

When I apply this metaphor to my relationship, my heart sinks when I think about how much I have mistreated my gift of sexuality. I know that my current boyfriend will someday be the one who gets to unwrap this "present", but that does not justify peeking at what's under the bow. We are both guilty of being impatient and curious.
Even though the Father has forgiven us and remembers our sins no more, we have robbed ourselves of the excitement we'll experience, as husband and wife, on our wedding night, as we enjoy one another's gift of sexuality.

God emphasizes in Song of Songs: "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."
Basically: Keep your heart in check and your body sexually pure until the time is right (aka marriage)!

Blessings,
Grace

P.S. Remember to keep the "Christ" in CHRISTmas this year! (and keep your hands off of gifts that haven't been given to you yet! ;-)

Contracts?!

Hey Girls!

Well, Grace and I were talking last night (we are in communication a lot!), and we were talking about how we never seem to run out of material for this site.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing--I'm not really sure.  Anyway, I had been meaning to write about contracts.

Will and I decided to make written contracts for our relationship, because obviously verbal ones weren't working. We talked about what we wanted to include in our contracts, came to a healthy compromise, and then wrote them down.  They are pretty similar, but they are something close to the following:

Because I love God, Will, and our relationship so much, I promise to adhere to the following boundaries:

The boundaries were then listed

i.e. no making out, no turning on, not getting on top of each other etc.  

But then, it was also very important to include that we are going to start praying together again.  

We let that slide, and it caused our relationship to go downhill again.  God must be the center of your relationship--your cornerstone in order for you to build a healthy, Godly relationship.  We haven't done the best, but we are trying. And I keep praying that hopefully soon he will be able to step up and lead in prayer too.  Anyway, when we finished the contract, we made copies for each other, and have them placed in our rooms in places we can refer to them often.  It has only been almost a week since we have done this, but so far it has helped.  We still have yet to ask our accountability partners about what to do if (and probably when) we will fail.  We don't want it to be something that we beat ourselves up for, but it also needs to be something that we realize we are not just sluffing off the wrong we did.  Anyway, contracts are something that i highly suggest, a written contract is way better than verbal, because now you have something to look back on and it is right in your face about what you promised to you, your partner, and God.

I also highly recommend accountability partners.  His is a youth pastor from when he was in high school, and mine is someone that I highly respect and look up to.  I suggest that these people you choose are not your own parents (unless you have a phenomenal relationship with them and are comfortable talking about this).  They must be Christian, so they can help you along with your Christian ways you should act as Godly women and refer you to places in the Bible that reminds you of how beautiful all those feelings will be one day, but God didn't create the restriction to make you suffer, but rather to show you how beautiful it will be when you share it with that one person for life--like a gift (to refer to Gilmore Girls) it can only be given once, and if you re-gift it, it loses it's beautiful-ness and context, and meaning.  Besides the fact that it hurts you, your partner, and God.  And really girls, I am not just referring about sex here, I am talking about all the other steps that lead up to sex.  Even getting giddy when making out--save that feeling so it doesn't become dull and lose the beautiful-ness God created you to have and share with your life long partner.  Accountability partners are amazing, please use them!

So, in a quick one summary sentence, make a contract, pray, and use accountability partners!

Love you so much, and so does God,

~Hope

What is Wrong with Me?!

Dear Hope;

I don't know what's going on, but this week has been rough! Work is fine, family is fine, boyfriend is fine, but I have been stuggling with some invisible demon :P

Luckily, it's not temptation this time. My boyfriend and I haven't done anything sexual for weeks. But something in my attitude went haywire last night while we were hanging out and my mood turned sour. This has happened before, but usually my boyfriend gets me to talk about it and I work out the kinks (with the help of tissues and encouraging words); but why do these (unpredictable) meltdowns and shutdowns keep occuring?

I can't blame hormones or my period this time. Is it because the weather is changing that throws my mood off? I dislike getting stuck in a funk, and I don’t know how to deal with myself when I get that way!

While my boyfriend was over last night, my emotions did a180 and I fell into state of despondancy. When he tried to help, it actually annoyed me.What is going on?! Perhaps it's because I'm not feeling like my job or my life is fulfilling? Maybe I'm missing my old familiar college routine or that I'm missing being involved and part of more than just work and church?

I've wondered in the back of my mind if it is something psychological--since episodes of this have been occuring since I started dating. Am I becoming a bit bipolar or depressed?
My boyfriend, bless his heart, keeps trying to tell me everything will be OK, but I don't feel like that is going to solve any of my problems. He even prayed with me, but I felt like those were just his words, not mine.

I feel terrible though. He's been struggling with SO much these past few months and here he is, wiping up my tears as I sit on my bed and have a bitchy breakdown. (Wow, can't believe I used that word, but that's how I felt I was acting toward him).

I think I need to take today to myself and do some reflecting and mediating with God. He and I have a lot of “me” work to do.

Thanks for reading my rant, you are such a faithful friend!

Grace

Dear Grace;

Good morning beautiful!

First I am going to say congrats to you and your boyfriend for not doing anything sexual for two weeks! How amazing! Also, it's okay that you were annoyed with him when he tried to help. Sometimes when I am a mess, Will tells me "I am not leaving you in this state, I need to know you are okay" and well, as nice as that is, sometimes, I just want him to go away so I WOULD feel better!

It very well could be the weather changing--it's been proven that that has a great effect on our nature and what and how we do things, and even who we are. It also could be because you are used to being so involved with classes, clubs, friends, etc. that you are in a funk because this is a huge change for you.

It is interesting to me though that this has been happening since you started dating. We change when we start dating someone--you've become a lot more open with him and more emotional--as my boss says “feel your feelings”. I've often wondered if I am becoming bipolar because I can be perfectly fine with Will one moment, and the next, completely different. But I think that it is because we, with our guys, feel a broad spectrum of emotions--happy, sad, angry, loving, and everything in-between in a matter of minutes (We're like Kansas--don't like our mood, stick around 5 minutes, it'll change).

As far as praying, there are many times that they feel like just words, however, God is still hearing them. They may not mean of feel anything to you at that moment, but God is still hearing them, and knows how to respond to the prayer for YOU.

 

Also, you are in kind of limbo right now. You are a real adult--with a real job, but still living at home. You have a real boyfriend who you will marry at some point, but he has a lot going on and so it is uncertain about when you two will become one. You're half-and-half right now, and not sure when the rest of the "jump" will take place.

I don't know if any of my words make sense, help, or are just words. BUT above all, I am always here to listen, and I am always here to offer up prayers.

I love you (in a great friend way ;-) )

Hope

Seeking Grace

Lately it seems that I have been focusing on the overwhelming frustrations of being in a relationship. I feel the heartaches every time I fail to be the beautiful, Christ-like woman who my boyfriend deserves--the way he looks helplessly at me when I am crying, broken by another battle with Satan--I can't stand the things I do to him! I am constantly conflicted with selfish desires, sinful impulses, and the exhaustion of my unworthiness. In my darkest moments, I convince myself that it would be better for both my boyfriend and I to end our relationship--the reality of pain and failure all too probable.
Since beginning in this relationship with my boyfriend, I have treated both him and God poorly. I am guilty of second-guessing their decisions. I have taken them both for granted on multiple occasions. I have doubted the beauty they both see in me and have questioned their unfailing love. But, still, both God and my boyfriend forgive me every time I fail. Every time I fail. They tell me I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that things will be OK if I am willing to trust them.
I am so thankful for the blessings from the Heavenly Lover of my soul and for the love of my earthly soul mate.

Please keep me in your prayers,
Grace