Clean Slate

Hey ladies!

I am warning you in advance, this might get a little long, however, it is worth reading, because I have a feeling at some point or another in your relationship you may encounter the following situation.

There is this ex of mine.  We only dated for 7 months, but we were best friends, and practically dated for three years (just not officially).  So, when a few years ago, things ended, that lasted for a while, but we found our way back into each other's lives.  My feelings for him never stopped.  I continued to love him, and was convinced I was going to marry him.  We had talked about it, and we had talked about future plans--what we would do, where we would travel--all of this would be realistic, not just young love dreams.  He was my best friend--we had been through tough times in our separate lives, but we made it through those times together.  Here is the thing though, he lived a 13 hour drive away from me, so anytime that we would see each other (and it would be a week here, a week there), it was blissful, because we had all that time to love each other, but not enough time to have a real relationship with each other.  What I mean here is that we would be in the honeymoon phase when we were with each other, because we didn't live a day-to-day life in our relationship.  Sure, we called each other daily, and talked for hours on end without any weird pauses, however, we weren't getting to know each other's quirks, and each other's habits, and annoyances--we didn't REALLY know each other in terms of a dating relationship.

Then the breakup hit.  Of course it was devastating, what breakup isn't?  (Okay, unless you are the one doing the breakup, and you really don't have much of a heart at all).  I was a pile of tears and depression.  But again, that's normal when you've been with someone so long, and not only are you losing your boyfriend, you are also losing your best friend in one swoop!

We talked off and on, we discovered we still loved each other (but he broke promises of coming to see me, etc.)  Then he went to study abroad for a semester.  We didn't talk too much, but we talked.  Oh yea, and over a period of time, there were many facebook messages exchanged about how we still loved each other, but he didn't think it was right, etc.  And in that time, I started dating Will (see where this is going now?)

Will and I had/have a wonderful, blissful, relationship--one that is real, and is day-to-day.  I mean, he lives three houses from me, how could it not?  We've had fights, and arguments, and near breakups.  But we have also had amazing times together, and talk about our future, and I couldn't be happier.

But then the ex and I started flirting.  (Yes, I realize that is not only cheating, but also adultery).  It started with simple things, but then he told me about a dream he had about me, and we were talking about the weather, and cuddling, and things just escalated.  Next thing I knew, my feelings were full fledged, straight-ahead confusion because I was in love with TWO men now.  I asked the ex if he prayed about it, and he said yes, and that God was leading him to me.  Will says the same thing!  Hello, who am I to question God?  So, what do I do, I tell Will that my feelings for my ex have not gone away, and I am confused.  Well, of course this hurt Will, but how could I not be straightforward with my boyfriend--the one who I love so much.  Every girl loves to be loved, and being loved by two guys--well man, that is luck!

So, I prayed about it, and asked for guidance from friends and family. They all reassured me things I already knew, but it was helpful to hear it again.  Honestly, at that point though, I could have seen myself easily dating AND marrying both guys.  Either one I chose, God would have made the best out of it.  (I kept asking myself which one God wanted me to choose, but then that whole "free will" thing came into play. . .)

It hurt to look at Will.  I knew I had not only hurt him terribly, but I had hurt our relationship.  He should have been disgusted with me, and said "I'm through".  But instead, he said "HOPE, I FORGIVE YOU" Alright, seriously, how more perfect could this man be?  He took God's loving advice, and forgave me just like my Heavenly Father forgave me.  He is not going to dwell on it, but rather accept it as in the past, and move forward.  Now, I am not so sure I could have done that.  I would have wanted to take all that pain and hurt and continue to let him know it.  But he knew I was hurting bad enough, and so why did he need to continue hurting me?  No, he forgave me, just like God forgives us each and every time we screw up.  Yeah, I took notes from Will that night, and realized our relationship was going to make it, our relationship was the one worth fighting for, our relationship, though not exactly where I want it in Christ's terms, is heading straight for that path.  And something else he said that made me know he was the one worth it was "Hope, I have never fought this hard for a girl before.  Whenever a girl has wanted to break up, I said okay, and was done with it.  But I fight so hard for you, because I can't imagine a day in my life without you.  Even when times are rough, the good outweighs the bad."  To have someone fight for you that hard, why not show them that you love them that same amount, and fight that hard back for them?  When I was off flirting with my ex, I was hurting me, Will, God, and our relationship.  I was taking Will for granted--what kind of person does that? Will is  letting Christ shine through him.  I think we all could all take a lesson from that.  We may think we have it together, we may think we are letting Christ shine through us, but honestly, let's take a reality check in the mirror, and beg Abba to clean our dirty heart out, forgive us, and fill it up with His grace, mercy, and forgiveness.


So girls, whatever you may be struggling with now, God forgives you.  God is your best friend, and He will forgive you, and whatever it is that you are dealing with, if you confess it to the person it is hurting, and that person lets God shine through them, then they will forgive you too--clean slate.


Love,
Hope   

Present Patience

Dear sisters in Christ;

It occurred to me the other day--as my mind was being serenaded by all the holiday commercialism and Christmas things--that my sexuality is a lot like a present. (Oh no. Here she goes again with a metaphor of something relating to physical temptation...) Yep!

It's no secret that my boyfriend and I have been struggling ever since the beginning of our relationship with that tempting little gift called SEX. As a Christian, I know I want to save myself for my husband, so I have to be diligent in keeping myself pure before marriage. So, in the spirit of the season, I have an illustration on this very subject to share with you!

Your sexuality is a gift. With me so far?
God, the Father, has meticulously fashioned your body with His loving hands--intending for it to be given to one special man on your wedding day (but for this illustration, we'll say "Christmas"). Your sexuality--your intimacy--is richly wrapped  in brilliant colors with a beautiful, silky bow on top. The Father has placed it under the tree where your precious gift will wait until that special day when you will give it to the one you love. (Aw, how romanticly cute).

However.
While you are waiting for your present to be opened, you become curious. Perhaps one night you and your boyfriend sneak over to the tree and begin to peek under the paper or shake the present. Maybe you even go so far as to unwrap part of it to see what's inside?
While you (and your bf) are enjoying the rush of excitement from handling the promised present, the Father is watching you silently and is feeling disappointed that you have chosen to mistreat his gift. But, every time, he FORGIVES you and he FORGETS your sin.
The good news is: your naughtiness is forgiven! The bad news is: the memory of what that present felt like and looked like underneath the wrapping still remains in YOUR mind--subtracting from the experience of the initial surprise.

When I apply this metaphor to my relationship, my heart sinks when I think about how much I have mistreated my gift of sexuality. I know that my current boyfriend will someday be the one who gets to unwrap this "present", but that does not justify peeking at what's under the bow. We are both guilty of being impatient and curious.
Even though the Father has forgiven us and remembers our sins no more, we have robbed ourselves of the excitement we'll experience, as husband and wife, on our wedding night, as we enjoy one another's gift of sexuality.

God emphasizes in Song of Songs: "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."
Basically: Keep your heart in check and your body sexually pure until the time is right (aka marriage)!

Blessings,
Grace

P.S. Remember to keep the "Christ" in CHRISTmas this year! (and keep your hands off of gifts that haven't been given to you yet! ;-)

Contracts?!

Hey Girls!

Well, Grace and I were talking last night (we are in communication a lot!), and we were talking about how we never seem to run out of material for this site.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing--I'm not really sure.  Anyway, I had been meaning to write about contracts.

Will and I decided to make written contracts for our relationship, because obviously verbal ones weren't working. We talked about what we wanted to include in our contracts, came to a healthy compromise, and then wrote them down.  They are pretty similar, but they are something close to the following:

Because I love God, Will, and our relationship so much, I promise to adhere to the following boundaries:

The boundaries were then listed

i.e. no making out, no turning on, not getting on top of each other etc.  

But then, it was also very important to include that we are going to start praying together again.  

We let that slide, and it caused our relationship to go downhill again.  God must be the center of your relationship--your cornerstone in order for you to build a healthy, Godly relationship.  We haven't done the best, but we are trying. And I keep praying that hopefully soon he will be able to step up and lead in prayer too.  Anyway, when we finished the contract, we made copies for each other, and have them placed in our rooms in places we can refer to them often.  It has only been almost a week since we have done this, but so far it has helped.  We still have yet to ask our accountability partners about what to do if (and probably when) we will fail.  We don't want it to be something that we beat ourselves up for, but it also needs to be something that we realize we are not just sluffing off the wrong we did.  Anyway, contracts are something that i highly suggest, a written contract is way better than verbal, because now you have something to look back on and it is right in your face about what you promised to you, your partner, and God.

I also highly recommend accountability partners.  His is a youth pastor from when he was in high school, and mine is someone that I highly respect and look up to.  I suggest that these people you choose are not your own parents (unless you have a phenomenal relationship with them and are comfortable talking about this).  They must be Christian, so they can help you along with your Christian ways you should act as Godly women and refer you to places in the Bible that reminds you of how beautiful all those feelings will be one day, but God didn't create the restriction to make you suffer, but rather to show you how beautiful it will be when you share it with that one person for life--like a gift (to refer to Gilmore Girls) it can only be given once, and if you re-gift it, it loses it's beautiful-ness and context, and meaning.  Besides the fact that it hurts you, your partner, and God.  And really girls, I am not just referring about sex here, I am talking about all the other steps that lead up to sex.  Even getting giddy when making out--save that feeling so it doesn't become dull and lose the beautiful-ness God created you to have and share with your life long partner.  Accountability partners are amazing, please use them!

So, in a quick one summary sentence, make a contract, pray, and use accountability partners!

Love you so much, and so does God,

~Hope

What is Wrong with Me?!

Dear Hope;

I don't know what's going on, but this week has been rough! Work is fine, family is fine, boyfriend is fine, but I have been stuggling with some invisible demon :P

Luckily, it's not temptation this time. My boyfriend and I haven't done anything sexual for weeks. But something in my attitude went haywire last night while we were hanging out and my mood turned sour. This has happened before, but usually my boyfriend gets me to talk about it and I work out the kinks (with the help of tissues and encouraging words); but why do these (unpredictable) meltdowns and shutdowns keep occuring?

I can't blame hormones or my period this time. Is it because the weather is changing that throws my mood off? I dislike getting stuck in a funk, and I don’t know how to deal with myself when I get that way!

While my boyfriend was over last night, my emotions did a180 and I fell into state of despondancy. When he tried to help, it actually annoyed me.What is going on?! Perhaps it's because I'm not feeling like my job or my life is fulfilling? Maybe I'm missing my old familiar college routine or that I'm missing being involved and part of more than just work and church?

I've wondered in the back of my mind if it is something psychological--since episodes of this have been occuring since I started dating. Am I becoming a bit bipolar or depressed?
My boyfriend, bless his heart, keeps trying to tell me everything will be OK, but I don't feel like that is going to solve any of my problems. He even prayed with me, but I felt like those were just his words, not mine.

I feel terrible though. He's been struggling with SO much these past few months and here he is, wiping up my tears as I sit on my bed and have a bitchy breakdown. (Wow, can't believe I used that word, but that's how I felt I was acting toward him).

I think I need to take today to myself and do some reflecting and mediating with God. He and I have a lot of “me” work to do.

Thanks for reading my rant, you are such a faithful friend!

Grace

Dear Grace;

Good morning beautiful!

First I am going to say congrats to you and your boyfriend for not doing anything sexual for two weeks! How amazing! Also, it's okay that you were annoyed with him when he tried to help. Sometimes when I am a mess, Will tells me "I am not leaving you in this state, I need to know you are okay" and well, as nice as that is, sometimes, I just want him to go away so I WOULD feel better!

It very well could be the weather changing--it's been proven that that has a great effect on our nature and what and how we do things, and even who we are. It also could be because you are used to being so involved with classes, clubs, friends, etc. that you are in a funk because this is a huge change for you.

It is interesting to me though that this has been happening since you started dating. We change when we start dating someone--you've become a lot more open with him and more emotional--as my boss says “feel your feelings”. I've often wondered if I am becoming bipolar because I can be perfectly fine with Will one moment, and the next, completely different. But I think that it is because we, with our guys, feel a broad spectrum of emotions--happy, sad, angry, loving, and everything in-between in a matter of minutes (We're like Kansas--don't like our mood, stick around 5 minutes, it'll change).

As far as praying, there are many times that they feel like just words, however, God is still hearing them. They may not mean of feel anything to you at that moment, but God is still hearing them, and knows how to respond to the prayer for YOU.

 

Also, you are in kind of limbo right now. You are a real adult--with a real job, but still living at home. You have a real boyfriend who you will marry at some point, but he has a lot going on and so it is uncertain about when you two will become one. You're half-and-half right now, and not sure when the rest of the "jump" will take place.

I don't know if any of my words make sense, help, or are just words. BUT above all, I am always here to listen, and I am always here to offer up prayers.

I love you (in a great friend way ;-) )

Hope

Seeking Grace

Lately it seems that I have been focusing on the overwhelming frustrations of being in a relationship. I feel the heartaches every time I fail to be the beautiful, Christ-like woman who my boyfriend deserves--the way he looks helplessly at me when I am crying, broken by another battle with Satan--I can't stand the things I do to him! I am constantly conflicted with selfish desires, sinful impulses, and the exhaustion of my unworthiness. In my darkest moments, I convince myself that it would be better for both my boyfriend and I to end our relationship--the reality of pain and failure all too probable.
Since beginning in this relationship with my boyfriend, I have treated both him and God poorly. I am guilty of second-guessing their decisions. I have taken them both for granted on multiple occasions. I have doubted the beauty they both see in me and have questioned their unfailing love. But, still, both God and my boyfriend forgive me every time I fail. Every time I fail. They tell me I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that things will be OK if I am willing to trust them.
I am so thankful for the blessings from the Heavenly Lover of my soul and for the love of my earthly soul mate.

Please keep me in your prayers,
Grace

Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ

Girls,
As I was going through old e-mails, I ran across this e-mail I sent myself and the subject was "use this in the girl blog".  The "body" of my message was this "Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ"  As I just read that now, I thought to myself "I could expand on this, or, I could just let them reflect on it."  So, that's what I choose to do, know this, and reflect on this.  Make it what you remember each day this week.


Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ


Love,
Hope

Oh Boys. . .

Hello girls!

Well, a few days ago, I was able to get together with Grace, and we had a wonderful talk!  Of course there was food involved too--tehehe :-)

Anyway, we were sitting down and talking about our blog.  We were talking about how we pray for it, and are so hopeful that it will really reach out to girls and change their lives.  We hope that they realize that they really aren't the only ones struggling in this alone.  Something I really want to make sure you know is this: you ARE loved by our Heavenly Father, and you ARE forgiven!  Isn't that great news?  Now it isn't news that gives you the "free-for-all" to go do whatever in your relationship, BUT it does give you grace and hope, and freedom and forgiveness.  Isn't that amazing?  God loves you so much.  He doesn't want to see you hurting, and He doesn't want to see you hurting yourselves either.

Moving on, we talked about BOYS and engagement and all that girly stuff.  No, we are not engaged, but it is fun dreaming about it.  You know what though?  I was thinking about this, and I really want to make sure that my relationship with Will is really strong and at least have been worked on a lot in the physical way before we get engaged, because I want to make sure that we are able to work through anything.  And, I don't want to just get engaged to him and eventually married because we want to be together in all the physical senses.  Those are the WRONG reasons for engagement or marriage.

Anyway, I'm not really sure where I am going with this, so I am sorry you have now read my ramblings.  

Girls, I love you, I'm praying for you, and there is HOPE,

Love,
Hope

1 Week

Hello, sisters in Christ!

This is Grace writing about a praise I want to share.

It has been 1 week since my boyfriend and I did anything sexual (innocent cuddling and kissing does not count as "sexual"!) However, when I think about how relieved I am that we didn't "fail" this week, I also realize there were several factors that made this goal more easily attainable:

First, my boyfriend and I did not see each other as often this week. Usually, we see each other almost every day for a few hours--and a lot more on the weekends! It was my boyfriend's idea to not spend so much time together. His reasoning was that we could minimize our physical temptation and maximize the value of our time together if we agreed to hang out less frequently. Although some days I miss him and wish we were spending time together, it also gives me some "me" time that I need in order to get things done!

Second, I was sick all week. Allergies :P So that affected my actions and attitude toward him. It's easy not to makeout with someone when your nose is a faucet of snot.

Third, I just hope we're getting better overall! My boyfriend and I have been caught up in physical temptation since the first month we met! It has been a year and we are STILL struggling to go 1 WEEK without doing anything "dirty". This hurts my heart to see how little we've accomplished over the Devil; but it is also comforting to know that--although my boyfriend and I have been sinning like this for a year--God doesn't remember any of those failures. He has forgiven us and rejoices when we make the choice to act purely in our physical relationship.

Please pray for me and for Hope that we would be continually strengthened to avoid sexual temptation!

That's it for now!

Blessings,
Grace

Backing it up with Numbers!

Hey girls!
Yesterday, Grace wrote a really great entry about roadsigns.  Today,  I was reading my Bible, and came across the following passage: "The angel of the LORD asked him, "Why have you beaten your donkey these three times? I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless one before me. ^[a] 33 The donkey saw me and turned away from me these three times. If she had not turned away, I would certainly have killed you by now, but I would have spared her."
 ³⁴ Balaam said to the angel of the LORD, "I have sinned. I did not realize you were standing in the road to oppose me. Now if you are displeased, I will go back." Numbers 22:32-34.  After reading that, I thought "Whoa, God, I understand."


Anyway, food for thought,
Hope

Road Block Metaphor

I know that Hope and I both struggle the most with physical temptation. The truth that hurts the most is that we (us girls) usually initiate the physical actions that lead to greater temptation. (I could go on and on about more details of this, but I'll save that for later posts.)

Right now, I want to illustrate our sexual temptation as a road block in our relationship.
We all drive cars, yeah? For this purpose, let's pretend our physical relationship is like a car. When you and your boyfriend are hanging out together, you are in that car (relationship). Everything is going smoothly as you drive along--until you get distracted and make a wrong turn. (Usually, for me, the distraction is hormonal, sexual thoughts about my boyfriend.) Now you are streering your "car" (physical relationship) down a dead end road.

WARNING: Road Closed Ahead--The first sign you might "see" (and ignore) is the one that makes you aware of your surroundings. If you and your boyfriend are alone together, that is tempting. And that is bad news. Your conscience is putting up warning signs for you to change the situation now, before you go too far.

STOP--You know what this sign means. If you catch yourself rationalizing why it is OK for you to indulge in sexual temptations, that is a MAJOR red flag! If you feel yourself thinking: "But, it's been a while since..." or "I won't let it go too far this time..." that is Satan speaking and that is a clue to not continue!

TURN AROUND--If you've ignored the first two signs, then chances are you have initiated physical intimacy with your boyfriend (cuddling, kissing, making out, touching, etc). This behavior should be reversed now, before things get more out of control.

Off Roading--By this point, if you haven't stopped or turned around, you are now off of the road, narrowly colliding with trees, and you and your boyfriend are about to, metaphorically, go careening off a cliff. Damage is being done to your "car" as you have now put yourself and your loved one in a very dangerous position.
God may be your safety belt, but you’ve let Satan take the wheel—and he doesn’t care about you or your relationship. This hazardous off road experience will damage your car—and may even permanently total your relationship.

Think about it.

Grace

9 Mistakes Rescued by God

Dear sisters~

Alright, I have had this stuff on my heart for quite some time, and I have been wanting to share it with you.  Right now, I am supposed to be studying for a tough test, but instead, I choose to write to you.

About two weeks ago, Will and I crossed the line.  We REALLY crossed the line.  We have been working really hard on not laying down while making out, dry humping, and other things that would have constituted crossing the line.  HOWEVER, my fingers found themselves dancing along his waist band of his jeans. (Mistake number 1)  I could tell the emotion in his face on how that pleased him, and he wanted more.  So, my fingers started tracing further down his pants. (Mistake number 2)  Now, let me clarify, they  never touched his penis under his pants, but I could tell he really wanted me to touch him, so I did it.  I have never done this before, and it started freaking me out.  I mean, I had felt him before as we had dry humped before, but my hand never felt his penis until that night.  I could tell the sheer excitement on his face. I wanted to please him, but I wasn't pleasing him in the way I should have been as a woman of Christ. (Mistake number 3)  His hand found its way between my legs and he started rubbing. (Mistake number 4) I begged him to move to my bedroom, and so we did. (Mistake number 5)  We laid down (Mistake number 6), we made out (Mistake number 7) we continued rubbing each other in-between the legs (mistake number 8), and we dry humped (mistake number 9).  My heart raced, my head spun, and I hyperventilated.  We stopped immediately.  I shut down and wouldn't talk to him, then I cried, and didn't stop for an hour or so.  I think that is where God stepped in and was like "Hope, I know you don't want to do this, but you are, and you can't seem to find your way out, so let me pull you out of this now."  

Since then, Will and I have not made out.  We have kept our kisses to simple kisses.  Now, this is killing him.  He hates it.  He tries suggesting other things such as "not making out while laying down" "not making out and touching each other--anywhere at the same time." But girls, this isn't going to work.  We know what it feels like to turn each other on.  We love pleasing each other, and obviously we are physically compatible together.  So what to do?  We know we want to one day get married, but that's not for at least a year and a half, and that is a long time to keep it at just kissing.  How do we get intimate? For me, it is easier, because as girls, we are emotional creatures, so we connect intimately emotionally, but for guys, it is physically.  

Will brought it up again tonight, and I don't have an answer for him.  We both understand each other's views.  He does understand though that he will not push me into it--he says that that is a huge guilt he would have to live with, and I am too important to him for that.  So that is hope right there.       

Girls, I don't have an answer for you right now.  I don't have an answer for Will and me right now.  But we are working through it together.  That is my advice to you tonight.  Work through it together.  Keep praying.  You may have crossed the line to this extent, less, or more.  The "depth" isn't really important as it all is a sin.  What is important though is that God will pull you out, and He will give you hope, He will remind you that all He wants for you is the best.  He loves his daughter(s), and He is going to give you hope that this can change, but let God be your pilot instead of your co-pilot. 

I'm praying for YOU!

Your sister in Christ,

Hope 

Who Am I? I Am Grace

Dear Sisters in Christ~

Why am I writing this at 3:00 in the morning? Besides the fact that God put it on my heart to help start this blog, I guess He also felt that I should post this now--when I would be sleeping--because of the confession I am about to make:

I am in love!

I am an "Eve" who has found my heaven-made, heart-matched, mine-and-only-mine forever "Adam", with whom I want to spend the rest of my life! However, being in a relationship with him is more overwhelming than I imagined!

So, what? Big deal. Ms. Anonymous Christian Blog Girl is dating a guy she really likes...
Yes! It is a big deal--a HUGE, life-changing, what-have-I-got-myself-into deal! Because of this relationship, I have gone through ups and downs of temptation and doubt and have cried more in the past year than I have in my entire adult life! I am questioning the woman I have become and the woman I want to be.

I want to be Grace. I want you (and my boyfriend) to see the reflection of God's grace in my relationship. But more on that later...

Like my friend, Hope, everything I share in these blog posts is honest and sincere. I am choosing to write under the name Grace and will not mention my boyfriend's real name either for the sake of personal dignity.

I pray that you are open to recieving our experiences and desire for Hope and Grace to touch your life in some way through this blog.

Blessings,
Grace

Who I Am. I Am Hope.

Hello!  I am glad you have found your way to this blog! My name is Hope. This blog is written by two friends going through similar experiences regarding physical boundaries in their relationship with their boyfriends while being a devoted Christian.  We aren't the only two going through these experiences, and that's why we chose to write about them. More than likely, you are too (or have, or will). I believe that this blog will provide you HOPE that you aren't the only person going through these struggles.  It is often times hard to believe that, especially as Christian women.  We are told all the time that the guy is going to be the ones to pressure us into stuff physically we don’t want to do in the relationship before marriage, but we never are told about the times that we, as Christian women want to push the boundaries just as bad, and what to do in those times.  I want you to know that everything I will be writing about will be drawn directly from my relationship with Will, or instances that I hear about and have been given permission to write about.  The ONLY things I am not going to be real and upfront with you about, is my name, and my boyfriend’s name.  That is for two reasons—1, to keep our identity, and 2, because it really doesn't matter.  These are instances that many couples face, and so it makes it more applicable to everyone who reads this. 

I encourage you girls to give your honest feedback, ask questions, give me (us) ideas, do whatever.  This is a spot for you too.  Oh, and please pass this along to every Christian girl you know!

Love,

Hope